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Dear Bernice

Posted on: December 6th, 2010 by Louise

Brrrr….it’s a cold day outside, so it’s a good job the Skip Mag Towers are generous with their central heating. As I’m reading your letters and emails, it strikes me that another year has passed. And what a year it’s been! It’s been a pleasure replying to all your problems, and I hope my advice has been welcome and acted on. Keep sending your letters to us and keeping in touch with how you go. Here’s to another 12 months of Dear Bernice! Thanks to all my readers and to all of you in the skip hire and waste management industry, merry Christmas! Xxx

Dear Bernice

I’m a skip driver for a crowd in Merseyside – there’s talk of the company closing in the new year although the boss is keeping shut about anything like that. I’m facing Christmas with what could be my last paycheck. I’m married with a little girl, 4 – she’s just got to grips with Christmas and Santa and all that so is going mad excited about it. She’s written a list the length of my arm of all the stuff she wants – in normal circumstances I’d buy everything on the list she asked for but I haven’t got a clue what to do at the moment. I don’t know whether to look for a new job, stay put and see what happens or not spend a penny until I know – Christmas or no Christmas. Any advice, help whatever would be useful.

John-Jo, Merseyside.

Hello John-Jo,

What a tough time for something like this to happen. Christmas is stressful enough without having to worry about whether you’ll be employed at the end of it. My advice is to take your boss to one side – the pub, a quiet office, whatever feels natural and voice your concerns. A good boss should communicate to his workers – bad news as well as good news. Tell him you want to stay there, but are scared for the future. As long as you promise confidentiality if he asks for it, he should let you know how the land lies.

If the future does look bleak, you need an action plan. Look for new jobs obviously – (the good thing is that the industry sees a rise in work in January and Feb so looking for a job shouldn’t take too long) – and see if you have insurance on any repayments like your mortgage or credit card repayments. This will cover you in times of unemployment.

And as far as your daughter’s concerned, toys will be played for about 10 minutes and the discarded. Buy her a few presents, but the fact that you sound like such a doting father means she’ll have the best Christmas regardless of what Santa get her.

Dear Bernice

There’s a lad at work who fancies me. He’s told me loads of times, and asked me out loads of times as well. I’m not interested, so I’ve always knocked him back. We’ve got the Christmas works do coming up in a few weeks and all the lads have been making jibes and comments that we’re gonna get together that night even though I’m not in to him. However, I have been known after a few drinks, to be a bit of a party animal; and I’m scared that after a few drinks I’ll start flirting with this guy and might end up doing something I’ll regret in the morning.

How do I enjoy myself without making a complete show of myself?

Maria

Portsmouth

Hi Maria

The answer’s pretty simple you know… Just because it’s the work’s do, there’s no reason to get absolutely plastered and put yourself at risk of becoming a laughing stock of the night. So many work’s dos end up a disaster because everyone takes it too far. Rein in your drink – you don’t have to rely on swigging back the booze in order to have a good time – trust me. If you minimise your drinking, you’ll stay in control of the situation and save yourself from becoming a laughing stock.

If you’re going to drink, make sure you eat a proper meal beforehand, and you alternate between an alcoholic drink and a soft drink. Your reputation not being in tatters is worth more than any night out!

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Dear Bernice

Posted on: November 5th, 2010 by Louise

Dear Bernice

Hello campers! Another month, another load of heartaches. This month I received quite a few emails regarding broken hearts, jealous lovers and unrequited loves. It seems like the skip hire industry is just as lovelorn as any other. Although it’s great receiving your emails, please be aware that I cannot reply to every single one – although I do try my best. This month, I’m including two letters from you guys out there. We’ve all been through the mill at some point in our lives, this page is not only there to dispense advice but to remind anyone who’s feeling a bit under pressure, or love sick, or heartbroken – that they’re not alone!

Dear Bernice

I’ve started a job as finance manager of quite a big skip firm. I’ve really pleased that I got it, the money’s pretty good and the people I work with are ace. However, the work load is pretty massive and its resulted in me working in the office after hours. I don’t mind this as I would rather get all my jobs done, but it’s affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. Me and him are really close and I see myself with him for a long time to come, but ever since I started this new job he’s completely changed becoming jealous and short tempered for the first time ever. I don’t know what to do…is the job right for me – or is he right for me?

Over-worked and under-appreciated

SE London

Hello there,

Well, do you know what? This is a common complaint. So many of us out there our sacrificing our hours at home to catch up with work in the office. Now, I love a good work ethic as much as the next person, but when it comes to the crunch, it’s your family, friends and partners that should have your attention after 6pm – not invoices and delivery notes. Not that I’m excusing your fella’s behaviour. You mentioned in your letter (which I’ve edited) that you are now on more money than him. Believe it or not, but this can really get men’s backs up. It’s like the revolution never happened isn’t it? But it’s true, men want to feel like they’re in control, like they can look after their partner and that they have more money in their pocket to do this. This is up to you two to sort, but I would definitely speak to your boss about the situation. You’re staying behind doing a job that should be finished at 5.30pm…there’s obviously holes in the system. Speak to them about setting up systems, look at processes that can be shortened, and talk about possibly getting an assistant. That way you can concentrate on both work and your homelife. Balance is the key.

Dear Bernice

I work with my boyfriend – which sounds like a recipe for disaster but it works. He originally started the job as a stop gap while he waited to get into the Navy. He’s  been working here for 1.5 years now, and I’d pretty much forgotten about his goal – thinking that he was really concentrating on his career as business development manager here. He’s really good, and is on his way to a payrise. However, last week the letter came. They want him to join them in Southampton in a month’s time. He’s over the moon and I’m gutted. I can’t believe how pleased he is, knowing he’s more or less giving up his life here forever. He wants me to move down with him, but I told him I’m staying put (my mum is in poor health and I don’t want to leave her or my family or job for that matter), and we’ll have to manage with a long distance relationship. He went mad at this, and asked me what the point of that was. We’re now in stalemate. What do we do?

Split in Two

Bradford

Dear Split in Two

You are in a pickle here. You and your fella are both coming at it from very emotional points of view. You need to calm down, take stock of the situation and look at it from afar. You both have valid points, you’d give up on a lot to move down there with him, and he’ll be giving up on his dreams if he chose to not accept the invitation from the Navy. The only solution here is communication – speak to him about giving it a 3 month trial of you both living in separate areas and seeing how it goes. It might work, or he might hate the Navy and want to come back, or you might decide the only solution is to move down there. You need to explore all avenues and be strong. Take it from me, it’s not easy, but it sure as hell a great way of testing how strong your relationship is. Good luck.

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Dear Bernice

Posted on: October 6th, 2010 by Louise

OK, we can safely say that summer’s over. And with the dark nights coming in, there’s a whole new raft of broken hearts out there. I must admit, most of my correspondences this month were from women…you guys out there are not playing fair! I’ve tried to reply to most emails and letters, but sometimes, I can’t guarantee an answer. I’ve printed two letters, but if you need to pour your heart out, do so at dearbernice@theskip.net.

Dear Bernice
I broke up with my long-term boyfriend last October. The break up came as a shock to me – I thought everything was going fine. We were very much in love and had been living together for a year. He had other plans, and said he wasn’t happy any more, that he loved me less than before and that things had change irreparably. Since then, I’ve been devastated, mourning the end of this relationship, but also at his beck and call when he rings. We’ve hooked up a few times and it follows this pattern of, starting off amazing, then going really weird until we have an argument. I can’t seem to get out of this cycle because I’m convinced there’s a future for us. Work’s not great at the mo, so a few weeks a go I decided to make plans just to leave the country. I had some money stashed away (we were saving for a deposit on a house) so I’ve booked an around the world ticket. I’m really scared, but think it’s the right decision to go away for a few months. I told my ex this and he was totally shocked saying that he couldn’t cope if I was away for that long. He’s now given me hope and I’m tempted to cancel the trip. What do I do?
Lost, SE London

Yikes girl – this man has got a hold on you! Well, you know what the right thing to do is – I just suspect that you don’t think you’re strong enough to make it. Of course you must go on this trip. The thing that you have with this man is not healthy. He’s living the life of Riley, he doesn’t have to deal with a fulltime relationship, but he also gets all the fun by picking up the phone and knowing you’ll be on his doorstep whenever he wants. You need to get out there, get a new perspective, away from the temptation of texting or ringing him. These months away whill give you chance to rebuild your confidence, learn about yourself and see things in a new life. You don’t have to do it – you NEED to do it. Good luck and bon voyage. You won’t regret it.

Hi Bernice

I’m completely confused at the moment. I’m a 27 year old girl who has been going out with my boyfriend for 7 years. It’s been a tricky relationship – we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’re still together. I’ve got to the point now where I need some affirmation of where we’re going. Does he want kids? Does he want marriage? He wriggled out of both questions and did a runner to Ibiza where he stayed for the next two weeks. In the meantime, my boss at work has been trying it on big time. We got drunk one night after work and had a snog, but I pulled away before anything else happened. He’s ina long term relationship and has a 3 year old boy. I feel guilty about this, but I am getting cheap thrills off the attention – I cannot remember the last time my boyfriend said I looked nice or paid me a compliment and my boss won’t stop. I know it’s cheap thrills, but the excitement of it all is addictive and I think I’m beginning to really fancy my boss – although I never saw him in this light before. HELP!

Crazy, Manchester

You’re right – you’re getting the excitement and cheap thrills of the illicitness of it all. After a fairly loveless relationship, what could be more attractive than a man of some power telling you how sexy and gorgeous you are? I hate to say this, but both men have got considerable control over you. You ask your long term boyf about future prospects and he packs his bags and goes on a lad’s holiday for two weeks? Then your boss who sees you upset about this, decides to get you at your weakest, just to satisfy some kind of sexual desire? Honey, these two men are not exhibiting any love, respect or decency towards you – and you’re allowing them. Dump your boyfriend and tell your boss to back up the truck. You could threaten him with disciplinary procedures if necessary. You don’t fancy him, you fancy how he makes you feel. Don’t fall into that trap – it will not end well, I can guarantee that.

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Dear Bernice

Posted on: September 3rd, 2010 by Louise

Hi everyone, just come back from a few weeks abroad. Had a great holiday – I need the rest! – and am now back in the saddle. The sunshine didn’t deter in any of you writing to me, and I got back in to work with my post tray overflowing. Although I try to answer every one of you, it’s sometimes quite difficult but here’s the pick of the bunch. Let’s just hope your affairs of the heart calm down as the weather gets cooler… something tells me this won’t happen though!

Love Bernice

Xxx

Dear Bernice,

Hi there. I’m a 30 year old woman who works at a skip yard in Liverpool. Sounds simple enough, but the skip company belongs to my ex, who I’ve always had a good relationship with. We went out for four years and split amicably and I kept my job here, because it was easy and there doesn’t seem to be any complications. We have since started new relationships, which I was fine with. Until last week when he invited me for drinks after work – we ended up getting quite giddy and the reminiscing starts, why we split up, the good times and the bad times. He admitted to me that he’s not over me and he doesn’t love his current partner. I was shocked and surprised – and secretly flattered. I left pretty soon after he dropped the bombshell, even though he invited me back to his. Since then, I’ve started to become really attracted to him again, even flirting with him. But I’m in love with my partner. What the hell should I do?

Broken in Two

Huyton

Hi there

I don’t think you should panic immediately. You were in love with this man once upon a time, so it’s not out of the ordinary to see these feelings re-immerge. As well, you treated him as normal before he dropped this bombshell. It’s a mixture of his candidness, vulnerability and love for you that has made you reassess the situation.

But this isn’t love. This is old feelings being brought back up, and flattery. He’s basically said that even the woman he’s with doesn’t match up to you. That’s quite a big deal, and a big compliment. But before you knew, he was just an ex-boyfriend that you got on with. You need to separate the feelings of true love and the ego boost you’ve just received. The way forward? Leaving the job. There is no way this relationship can go back to its innocent past now that he’s poured his heart out. Friendships with exes rarely work – and in this case, it has all of a sudden become too complicated. You’re exes for a reason, don’t forget. Get out now, before someone is seriously hurt.

Dear Bernice

Great column, and you always give sound advice. Maybe you could help me with my problem. I’m no spring chicken, I’m 63 and my wife died four years ago. I still miss her every day and she’s in my heart still. Recently, I joined a walking club and have met a woman who I’ve struck up a good friendship with. Like me, she’s a widow and lives on her own. I have been a bit out of the loop, courting-wise. I see her on Sundays when we go walking, but how do I progress it? Sounds a bit daft, but I’m nervous. I also feel guilty on my wife, but I know she’ll be laughing up there, pushing me to get on with my life. Maybe you could suggest a way to ask this new woman out without embarrassing myself.

Alan

Yorkshire

Hi Alan

Thanks for your lovely letter, and let me say this – you are a courageous and good man. You’ve gone through the trauma of losing your wife, you’ve grieved and mourned, but you are still young, and to live the rest of your life on your own is not a nice prospect. This woman is in the same boat, and it sounds like you have a lot in common. I suggest next time you’re on the walk talking about if she has any plans in the week. If she is free, ask her if you can take her to dinner. She can’t refuse; you’re friends and will have lots to talk about. Pick her up, and knock on her door with a bunch of flowers. Pick a restaurant that isn’t rowdy, but isn’t completely empty. Let her choose the wine and compliment her on her appearance. Fill the conversation with light hearted topics and most importantly, make her laugh. Don’t make it too much of a late one, but pick up on when she wants to leave (don’t end the night too early, but don’t make it a really late one). Drop her off, see her to her door and that’s your first date over and done with! You can meet up the following Sunday at your club walk and discuss where to go next week. The cinema, the theatre – let her decide. And know that your wife is up in heaven, cheering you on and encouraging this new friendship. Good luck.

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Dear Bernice – The Skip Industry’s Agony Aunt

Posted on: March 9th, 2010 by Louise No Comments

Happy Springtime, Skippers.

It seems my request for letters from the blokes didn’t fall on deaf ears, you fellas seemed to have carried a lot on your shoulders emotionally, so it’s nice to see you seeking advice. Well, spring is in the air, and so is romance for one poor lovesick skip hire worker, and I’ve been asked to plan the engagement of a skip boss as he ponders the best way to propose to the love of his life. All in all,  it’s made me re-evaluate the way I think about you guys – you’re all dead soppy at heart aren’t you. And there was me thinking you were gruff, hairy tough guys!

Well, the more the merrier, so if you have anything you need to unload or get of your chest, drop me an email at dearbernice@theskip.net. You know what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved!

Dear Bernice

There’s a girl at work that I have a massive crush on. We get on really well together,a lways have loads to talk about, have loads in common and are similar ages. The problem is she’s in a relationship. And she doesn’t seem that happy with it. If you ask me, her bloke is a bit of a tosser – he doesn’t appreciate her and talks to her really badly. She’s been in this relationship since she was a teenager, and it seems to me it’s so much a part of her life that she doesn’t know how to get out of it. I’d mind my own business, but I sometimes catch her looking at me and I know if we were together, it’d be amazing.

One thing – I’ve already told her how I’ve felt. It was pretty awkward for a time, but OK now. I was pretty drunk and she took it as well as she could. She obviously didn’t reciprocate, but I can’t help but think she has some feelings towards me. She’s just going out with this tool, and doesn’t know how to deal with it all.

Lovesick

Southampton

Hello Lovesick

Nice to get some men looking for advice for once! This is a classic case of being helplessly in love. You love this woman (go on, admit it!) but you obviously respect the feelings of her and her man to do anything about it. And you think she likes you but she’s too good/lost to wreck her current relationship despite it sounding pretty much dead. Remember The Office on TV? Remember Tim and Dawn, the bittersweet office relationship? This is an identikit of this. Tim was painfully in love with the woman he couldn’t get. And what happened? Dawn, at the eleventh hour, decides to completely change her life, walk out of the damaging relationship, and into the arms of Tim – the good guy. The thing is, Lovesick, you really can’t do much until she has the strength and sense to shake of the shackles of her current relationship. In my expereice, shed might not be that far away. She sees you, she knows that not all men are like her current boyfriend and she starts comparing him to you. Be patient Lovesick, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. But first, she has to come to you. Good luck.

Bernice.xxx

Dear Bernice,

I need some advice. I met my partner four years ago next month in our skip yard. I own it, and she was a friend of a friend who came in to help with the accounts. We were mates for ages until a few years in we got together. We’ve been inseparable ever since and have built up a successful business together through thick and thin. I want to do propose to her on this anniversary milestone and tell her how much she means to me, and how she still makes me feel like a teenager in love. Any ideas, Bernice?

Young at Heart

Lancashire

Young at Heart! You’ve got me feeling all soppy now! You’re obviously both big time in love, and this is amazing to see especially as you both work together and have got through these difficult times. OK, well, I can suggest the obvious – champagne, a weekend away, a nice dinner. But if you want something really memorable, you may want to do something along the same lines of what a colleague of mine did to his wife a few years ago. He took her out for a nice late lunch and told the lads in the yard the plan. When he arrived back, he took her to the office on the first floor and told her to look outside. The lads had all lined up with their wagons in the yard each with a placard with a letter on each one spelling out ‘Jean, Will You Marry Me?’ They’d also rigged some fireworks up. When she saw this, she burst out crying and said yes, and the fireworks shot up into the winter evening sky. Champagne was popped and work finished early. It was very, very cute. You could perhaps try something like that…whatever it is you choose the best of luck and I hope she says yes!

What is it with all you men this month, deciding to spill your guts out to little me? Well,  keep them coming, guys! See you next month!